A little over a month ago, I was on an afternoon walk. I had taken a different path than I normally did, the weather was beautiful, and I was listening to an interesting podcast episode. As I was crossing a street, I tripped stepping up onto a curb and fell forward.
It felt like slow motion. I knew there were a couple people behind me in the crosswalk and I thought man isn’t this going to be embarrassing when I catch myself. But then I realized I was still falling, this wasn’t just a small but dramatic stumble, this was a full-blown faceplant. I reached out in front of me and briefly tried to catch my self but then my momentum kept me falling.
The second I sat up I knew something felt off about my arm. I looked down, expecting to see bone or some obvious deformation. Luckily, everything looked to be in place, but I still felt like I shouldn’t move it. Luckily (but also embarrassingly) the people in the cross walk stopped to make sure I was okay.
I walked the five more blocks home. The longest five blocks of my life.
I was wearing sunglasses and a mask at the time so the only people who could likely tell I was crying were the people close enough to hearing me openly sob.
As someone who doesn’t have insurance my first thought was fuck, this is going to be expensive. Second thought was man this isn’t even a good story.
Thanks to a visit to an, surprisingly transparent about their prices, urgent care facility it was confirmed I did break a bone. Luckily, it was a minor break in the grand scheme of things, I didn’t even need to wear a cast. I did need to follow up with an orthopedic doctor so they could confirm everything and provide any recommendations for further treatment.
The quickest appointment I could get to see the doctor they referred me to was 10 days after I broke the bone. The urgent care office gave me a sling and said, “wear this.” They also said, I “should start trying to move my arm soon.” The CNP moved her arm like she was doing a bicep curl and then walked out of the room.
That was it.
I know I should have asked more questions. But I felt rushed and being an advocate for yourself in a doctor’s office isn’t always easy.
So, for 10 day I wasn’t positive I wasn’t constantly fucking it up more. I would wear my sling in public, so people gave me a wide berth. At home I would rest it on a pillow while I was sitting on the sofa.
Once I finally saw the orthopedic surgeon, they took more x-rays they confirmed it was healing and I hadn’t fucked it up more during the week. It was a $400 piece of mind.
In the first two weeks after I broke my arm/elbow, I didn’t do anything. Literally anything. I watched almost every episode of Golden Girls, read four books, and ate endless bags of potato chips. I was paranoid to even go on a walk around our neighborhood lest I trip again.
I felt SO guilty.
Repeating that for effect. For the first two weeks after I broke my elbow, I felt incredibly guilty for doing nothing but resting.
What the hell.
If anyone else said that to me, I would honestly probably laugh in their face. Our society’s constant need to be productive is a problem we are all aware of but have no idea how to solve.
It’s a viscous cycle – we work endless hours to be able afford our lives, we get burned out and anxious because we work too much, we take a break/day off, the whole time we are ‘resting’ we are stressed and/or thinking about work, so that we never fully relax.
The Vox article, Why are Millenials burnt out? Capitalism, describes an important data point in this discussion, “the fact that people are working harder while wages aren’t going up.” No wonder we don’t know how to take a break. We are working longer hours for less pay.
I mean this says it all.
We feel we need debilitating side affects from a vaccine, for the virus that has closed our society to slow to a crawl for the past year, to even justify taking a day off work.
Productivity culture is never something I would self-ascribe to, but clearly I am a member wheather I think I am or not. Now that my arm is almost back to full function and my personal productivity level has increased again – I feel better. Love and life in the time of capitalism.
I was inexplicably obsessed with Jackass in highschool, so I really enjoyed this profile of Johnny Knoxville.
We are getting our new sofa on Tuesday! I have been endlessly scrolling through Insta and Pinterest for inspo on how to style our new green velvet sofa (similar to the color below.)
My current guilty pleasure. Guily only because I’ve been eating at least one bag a day.
Everyone was finally coming to terms with the idea that it was okay that we did not use our “down time” during the pandemic productively and then Bo Burnham puts us all to shame his masterpiece.
This playlist makes me feel like I’m on the road trip I’m dying to go on.
That’s enough for this week! I missed you all. As always I’m happy to hear from you anytime, in anyway.
XOXO,
Kelley (blame my excitement for the new Gossip Girl reboot for that sign off)